Feeling Guilty? Good!

By Jonathan Abbett
Brandeis University

Each summer during our college years, some of us return home to daily life with mom and pop.

Along with the comfort of our own beds, the savor of non-institutional meals, and the privacy afforded us without roommates, we return to the yoke of paternal law – keeping our rooms clean, washing the dishes after dinner, remembering to turn off lights, and the like. At school, we can do whatever we want in a parent-free environment, but back at the ranch, it’s another story.

As kids, our parents most likely instilled in us the concept of consequences. Upon breaching an inviolable edict – "Be home before 10!" – punishment was swift and thorough. Whether a time-out, a grounding, or a suspension of electronic privileges, the consequences of our actions left indelible marks on our moral character. Soon, we knew what we had coming. The pangs of unease spread through our bodies even before we slunk through the door at 10:45.

This, my friends, is our innate sense of embarrassment – hopefully, a fine-tuned way to keep us out of trouble. It could even be an instinctive emotion to elicit pity and avoid punishment – like when the dog rolls over on his back with his paws up, cowering in his most vulnerable state, after thrashing through the garbage or stealing food from the table. As we leave our parents, return to school, and rapidly approach the High Holy Days, it is important to keep this deep feeling in mind.

In his 1965 essay, "Yom Kippur," Rabbi Dr. A. J. Heschel describes his "great fear and trembling" during Yom Kippur – the moments before approaching God to ask for forgiveness. Just as our stomachs sink when being confronted with daily mistakes and misjudgments, so too should we experience such pahad, such fear, when God recounts our year’s deeds. Just as our parents meticulously tabulate the household chores we’ve completed or flouted, so too does God check if we have performed as required.

Heschel insists that embarrassment and a sense of inadequacy should be the center of Yom Kippur, the one day a year when "we are all failures." He says: "The root of any religious faith is a sense of embarrassment, of inadequacy. I would cultivate a sense of embarrassment. It would be a great calamity for humanity if the sense of embarrassment disappeared, if everybody was an all-rightnik, with an answer to every problem. We have no answer to ultimate problems."

So, why need we feel embarrassed? We don’t have all the answers! Our parents tell us what to do, and we don’t always understand why – "father knows best," or "because I said so" or "you’ll understand when you’re older." Even though we don’t know why our room absolutely must stay tidy, our embarrassment keeps us cleaning. Maybe someday we’ll understand, maybe someday we’ll appreciate a neat house – and the same holds in the spiritual realm.

Often, when dining out with non-Jewish friends kashrut doesn’t seem to make sense. When you’re balancing classes and a job preparing for Shabbat can feel like a burden. But still we plug on, in part because Heschel knew it – good, old Jewish guilt is a healthy emotion! God is watching, so feel guilty about the cheeseburger or about spreading rumors. When you feel embarrassed, you know you have transgressed, and that recognition can help you achieve greater wholeness and closeness to God during the High Holy Days and year round.

"We believe in an afterlife," said Heschel in a 1944 interview. "We believe that every one of us individually will be called upon to give account of the life we lived. Our destiny will be determined by what we do or fail to do."

As we stand before God on Yom Kippur, may our memory of and remorse for our mistakes lead us to being better people and better Jews.