Wrongminded Rhetoric

By Joe Roberts
University of Maryland

Your bubbe would not agree with this. But that’s the point. I’m sick of everyone telling me their opinion on what’s right and wrong. I hate reading articles written by someone who quotes every verse and prophet in the Tanakh in order to convince us of who to date and marry. It’s not much better when those authors quote their bubbes either. Everyone has their own bubbe to listen to--not that one shouldn’t listen to their bubbe.

When KOACH asked me to write an article this month, I said "Sure." When I was told the article had to be on interdating, I was left with a problem, because sharing my opinion on the topic would be more than a bit hypocritical. So I’m writing an article on why people shouldn’t write any more articles on this worn-out topic.

I’m not saying that interdating is not an important topic. It is a very important topic, which everyone will probably have to think about at some point. They may even try to get some input and advice on how to follow through with decisions made. What no one needs is to be bombarded with unwanted advice and opinions. Try walking onto a car lot and having fifteen salespeople all tell you basically the same thing about what in reality is the same car. You would go crazy before you could start driving.

Interdating and intermarriage are not all that different. Most religious leaders will tell you basically the same thing regarding essentially the same issues, though you may find one has a better sales pitch. Also, just like shopping for a car, when you’re shopping for a boyfriend or girlfriend, all your friends have great advice for you. Some may even advise you to go with a cute non-Jew, just for practice. But all you want is some basic information on what you’re looking at and that’s only available from the person in question. So why bother listening to a third party to learn more about the person you’re interested in? Not to mention the fact that making the decision about whether to date a non-Jew requires you to know a bit about yourself. Are you going to let someone else tell you all about yourself?

Granted, sometimes it helps to get input from others. I have nothing against asking for help or advice. But there is a difference between asking for something and being smothered by it. The Jewish community tends to push interdating and intermarriage rhetoric so much that it causes its youth to grow sick of the topic and to not care, which in turn defeats the purpose. Instead, the Jewish community needs to focus more on the importance of being Jewish and enjoying the pleasures of our religion. If people appreciate something, they will be more likely to remain committed to it. If we truly believe that God is Eloheinu v’Elohei avoteinu (our God and God of our fathers), then we need to help people find their own method of connecting to God. If more people felt a Jewish connection, instead of an obligation, we wouldn’t see so many articles about intermarriage and interdating.

[Posted 9/5/05]