Sexuality Redux

By Brielle Goodman
University of Montana
(KOACH-On-Campus Editor)

In a strict sense, Judaism’s view of sexuality is that there should be little to no sexuality outside of marriage. When I was a teenager, and up until this past summer, I would have to say I disagreed. A friend once put it, before you drive a car, you test drive it; the same goes for sex and marriage.

Sex can be an important part of a relationship, though oftentimes it can be a major point of contention. Couples should know if it will be a problem before they make a life long commitment to each other. In today’s world, with such a high rate of divorce, couples should go out of their way to make sure that any possible sources of trouble are discovered and resolved before making a deep commitment.

However, I feel I must disagree with this view of sexuality.

It turns out I agree completely with Judaism’s view of sexuality. I have come to realize that there is something to be said for holding back. There is such a high level of intimacy involved in being sexual (whether it is holding hands, kissing, or making love), that it should be saved for the rare occasion of finding someone you think you can share the rest of your life with. I used to laugh at the idea of shmirat negia (restrictions on sexual contact), thinking it primitive, yet I have come to see the virtue of keeping a distance from members of the opposite sex.

There is no reason two people can’t love each other in an emotional and spiritual sense without the physical. When a relationship jumps from an emotional and spiritual experience to include a physical connection, the emotions intensify incredibly rapidly.

Suddenly, one finds oneself thinking far more often about the future. The logistics of the future should be considered thoroughly before ever taking the leap to the physical level. Far too often, we approach these steps in reverse. This, simply put, invites more anguish than necessary. We invest too much in relationships without thinking pragmatically whether or not it is worth the emotional input. If we were to stop and think realistically about the potential of a relationship, before putting our heart, soul and body into that relationship, we might very well find that we can spare ourselves, and hopefully our partner as well, a lot of emotional distress.

Okay, so Judaism’s reason for promoting abstinence is more for godly reasons, and the holiness of our bodies, which I absolutely agree with. Granted, God made us and we should honor our bodies, in honor of God. Therefore, we should not allow anyone to desecrate us in any way, be it physically, spiritually or emotionally. But in a more practical sense, it also makes more sense. The two actually go together quite well. The practical reasons for not indulging one’s physical urges until marriage actually support the honoring of God.

Refraining from sexuality in a relationship shields your spirit, body and soul from pain. It can’t prevent pain entirely, but it can reduce the amount of pain one suffers when the relationship, almost inevitably, ends.

[Posted 11/10/04]