A friend of mine at Dawson College is a very unobservant Jew. The importance of marrying a Jew was visible even in her. In true Talmudic fashion, kal va’homer (all the more so,) am I drawn to a Jewish boy. This has reached the point of what I’ll call "The Kippah Magnet." My last few crushes were on boys who wear kippot. The advantage of the kippah is that the wearer is often a nice, observant, Jewish boy.

The disadvantage I’ve discovered is that said boys are often shomer negiyah (careful regarding the rules prohibiting physical contact between men and women).

This practice of not touching the opposite sex has intrigued me enough to write this article on the theme of Jewish dating. It was easy to research, because I have many Orthodox friends, the most likely population to observe these regulations.

My study partner thought these laws originated in the Torah rules of forbidden unions. She likened the obligations to a rose garden. Roses are very attractive but their thorns are very painful. Some things are better kept afar. Furthermore, she explained, the rules are adapted from the laws of tzniut (personal modesty), reinforcing the importance of keeping one’s distance. Lest we be driven by lust alone, these rules protect us from our natural inclinations.

The other possible Torah link is a connection to the laws of taharat hamishpahah (family purity). "You shall not approach a woman in her time of separation, to uncover her nakedness" (Leviticus 18:19). Thus we assume all virgins are in a state of niddah (separation) as one does not know the menstrual cycle of an unknown woman. The closeness intimated by the verse led commentators to extrapolate that there be no hugging, no kissing, no .. . . all that being shomer negiyah has come to mean.

This has caused me to ask if only men are required to keep this law. A woman knows when she is menstruating and can avoid men in the first place. This thought definitely needs further study….

These laws are a "fence around the Torah." The fence of laws which are d’rabbanan (from the rabbis, i.e. Talmudic interpretation and protection of the Torah) are there to ensure that one does not inadvertently sin. They are many, but may carry less weight than those that are d’oraita (from the Torah).

I also asked the advice of a friend of my sister, because he recently became shomer negiyah and is studying in a Yeshiva. He pointed out that these rules were often preached at that establishment. However, he was not entirely convinced until he did some research on his own. His main justification was wanting something that screamed, "I’m special! I’m unique! I’m Jewish!" (apparently his kippah and tzitzit were not enough).

A friend from camp echoes the sentiment of this research. Still, she suggested not rushing into new observances, rather, learning the facts and changing gradually. Like most things, the key to change is education. And change doesn’t imply one particular direction, just something different from where you are now.

So I chose to take an outside view by recalling a conversation with a Muslim friend. I had been to a movie with someone who is shomer negiyah and I was complaining. This friend explained how Islam has a very similar principle and it is done out of respect for the woman involved. I pointed out that it pleased me to go to a movie without fear of being groped, but the occasional hug is good as well.

On one hand, religious observance is not about picking and choosing. Yet, even if I’m not ready to be shomer negiyah (and perhaps I need never be), it gives me a lot to think about. What’s right and wrong in a relationship surely comes down to the two partners, but a little traditional wisdom probably couldn’t hurt.