Interdating - Ideals and Realities

By Shira Novack
KOC Assistant Editor
Binghamton University

My sister is engaged and is getting married next June. My family really likes her fiancé and, most importantly, he makes my sister very happy. The only reason I am writing about this here is that he is not Jewish. The issue of interdating is a very complicated one and I am not really sure what the correct answer is. Some are completely against interdating, but I have trouble accepting that point of view because of family and friends I have who are interdating, intermarried, or the product of one of these relationships.

Growing up, some of my friends who were Jewish were "both" (as a side note, these same friends celebrated becoming Bnot Mitzvah). That is what we called their celebrating both Jewish and Christian holidays. None of us really thought anything of it; some of us were Jewish, some Christian and some both. Actually, we kind of envied them, mostly because they got to celebrate both Christmas and Hanukkah. What kid wouldn't love double the presents? It has only been as I've grown older that I realize the difficulty of something we found so normal.

When I was in high school, I went to a discussion my rabbi had about interdating. I was curious what she was going to say and that day had been a snow day, so I was happy to get out of the house. It was not at all what I thought it would be, it was not my rabbi voicing her views on things, but rather, a discussion about how parents felt about interdating (I was the only child there). I came away with the knowledge of how the parents of some of my classmates would react if they brought home a non-Jewish significant other. One parent said that they would cut their child off financially. Another said that they would just never accept the significant other. I don't recall any of them being as extreme to say they would sit shiva (seven days of mourning) for their children, a reaction that is seems to hurt everyone involved.

There may be a big difference between what these parents said and how they would actually react if one of their children came home with a non-Jewish boyfriend or girlfriend. I am glad to know that none of the parents said that they would cut off their child, because that just makes everything worse. Who wins when someone cuts off contact? The parents lose contact with their child and the child is forced to choose between their parents and someone they love. Damage is even possible to whichever relationship stays intact (the one between parent and child or between two romantic partners). Still, many of the plans the parents have may not be applicable after a certain point in time: you can only threaten your child with being financially cut off as long as he or she is financially dependent upon you.

The biggest problem with interdating is probably the conflict between the ideal and the real. The ideal is Jews only dating and marrying other Jews, however this is very far from what is happening. I believe that the statistic hovers somewhere around 50% for the rate of intermarriage.

So, back to my sister and her fiancé, they are the real and not the ideal. I understand what the sociological problem with intermarriage and interdating is - it weakens the Jewish community. Also, the Jewish children of intermarried couples may be more likely to intermarry because for them it is not a problem. Their parents were able to make it work, so why shouldn't they?

Another part to the issue is who the Conservative Movement considers Jewish and who I consider Jewish. I have both friends and relatives who have gone to Hebrew School and have celebrated becoming Bar/Bat Mitzvah, but their fathers are Jewish and their mothers are not. I see them as Jewish, but they are technically only Jewish by the Reform Movement's standards. I've had conversations with a friend who had the experience of being told by another friend that she wasn't really Jewish. That really upset her. Yes, this is a problem that results directly from intermarriage, but isn't better that these children are raised Jewish rather than not?

One possible way to solve this, I was told, is to have all children who are patrilineally Jewish immerse in the mikvah (ritual bath; a conversion ritual) at Bar or Bat Mitzvah age, so they would then be considered Jewish by all streams of Judaism. Is this a viable option? I don't know.

I don't have an answer to this problem, I am simply trying to show how complicated and convoluted this issue is, there is no black and white. It is certainly not an issue that is going to go away. Hopefully more inclusive solutions, which still respect the requirements of tradition, can be found.

[Posted 5/14/10]