Ethnocentrism, Interdating, and Integration

By Alex Howie
Miami University of Ohio

This past Yom Kippur, the rabbi at my local synagogue gave a drashah (sermon) on ethnocentrism. Our challenge as Jews, he said, is to balance ourselves so that we are neither too ethnocentric nor not ethnocentric enough. As Jews in the modern world, we have to balance our Jewish identity with our secular activities. We have to interact with the non-Jewish community daily and must remain open to their differences from us and avoid developing any feelings of elitism; after all we are all, Jew and non-Jew alike, created b'tzelem Elohim – In the Image of God. But we must also recognize that we are different because we are Jews and we need to cherish our rich tradition and lifestyle. While thinking about the topic of interdating –the topic of this article – that speech came to mind.

I am not writing this article from the standpoint of Conservative Judaism, but from the personal opinion of a Conservative Jew. And, as a Conservative Jew, I have mixed feelings about interdating. On the one hand, I personally would not date a non-Jew. On the other hand, however, I realize that if everyone made this choice I would not exist today. My dad was raised Catholic, but underwent a Conservative conversion for my mom and her parents. Yet he was never formally involved in my Jewish upbringing; he mostly stood on the side during the religious parts of my childhood, as my mom raised me and my sister as Jews.

So before writing this article, I decided to ask my mom about her opinion on interdating before she began dating my dad. Her response was that in the back of her head she knew that she probably shouldn't date a non-Jew, but it wasn't a conscious thought and it just sort of happened. Next, I asked my dad two questions: 1) Why did you convert? 2) Do you consider yourself Jewish? His answers: 1) I probably converted for your mom and her parents. 2) I don't particularly consider myself a Jew.

I think that this has shaped a large portion of my opinion on interdating. Although I had never asked those questions before, I could easily have guessed those answers because of the dynamics of my household and how it affected my upbringing. I was without a doubt raised Jewish – but only one parent actively supported my Judaism. I had a strong family – but it was a progressively less strong Jewish family. I have always had a strong connection to Judaism – but my parents and sister have both faded away.

Looking back at my upbringing, I am grateful for every opportunity that my mom and dad provided for me and the open atmosphere in which I was raised, allowing me to develop my own thoughts, opinions, and beliefs. But from a Jewish standpoint, it is not the type of religious upbringing that I want for my children. I don't just want to have a strong family – I want to have a strong Jewish family. I want to impart my strong connection to Judaism to my children and I think I have the best chance to do that if I only date, and therefore marry, a Jew.

I have too many friends with divorced parents where one parent converted to Judaism before the marriage and then left Judaism after the divorce. In my opinion, those people that left Judaism after their marriage ended did not convert to Judaism for the right reasons: they converted for a person rather than for the religion. I know this is not the result in every case, but because I have witnessed the dynamics of Judaism within my own family and many of my friends', I have come to believe that I have the best chance for a strong Jewish marriage and life if I only date someone that is Jewish.

But who knows: maybe I am too ethnocentric; or maybe my mom was not ethnocentric enough. Or maybe we both found our own point of equilibrium.

Alex Howie is a junior at Miami University in Oxford, OH and is majoring in accounting and art history. He is the Shaliach Tzibbur for Miami Hillel, Treasurer for the Diversity Affairs Council, and Editor of "Effusions" Art Journal.

[Posted 5/14/10]