Lessons from Abraham: Creating Welcoming Communities

By David Schwartz
Washington University in St Louis

Abraham. The first Jew, the father of our people. Abraham is a role model for us for many reasons, but his best known trait is being welcoming. Three people walking by? Bring them into the tent! They're not like us? No matter; there's room for everybody under this tent. This is classic Abrahamic hospitality.

The Conservative Movement is a movement that practices this "big tent" philosophy. After all, it must make room comfortably for everybody from the almost Reform to the almost Orthodox, from those who daven every day with tefillin to those who eat a cheeseburger every day. Yet those are not the only people who need to fit in our tent. We must have room for those who are different from us – those who are in a relationship with a non-Jew (or are the non-Jew in a relationship with a Jew), those who have a different racial identity from us, and those who are attracted to people of the same gender and/or were assigned a different gender at birth than they consider themselves to be.

As the millenials of the Conservative Movement, born between 1984 and 2000, this is a task we can do. We are the generation most comfortable with diversity; therefore we are in the best position to be welcoming and inclusive of those different from us in our religious communities, be they on campus or beyond.

So how can we be more welcoming of those who are homosexual and/or transgender in our religious communities? What tachlis, what practical steps can we take? For starters, as you plan programs, recognize that sexual orientation or gender identity won't matter for most things. Shabbat dinner and services are still Shabbat dinner and services, regardless of whom somebody is attracted to. When you do have an event where it matters, like Speed Dating, then it is a good idea to talk with your homosexual, bisexual and transgendered members of the community to find ways to make them feel welcome as well.

If you are talking with people that you know sort-of-well and you want to find out if they are dating somebody, ask "Are you in a relationship?" instead of "Do you have a boyfriend?" or "Do you have a girlfriend?" People who are homosexual or bisexual are attuned to subtle clues in language that will indicate somebody's likely stance toward them. Making this small change will send out a positive signal, while not changing the intent of your question.

If you are calling up somebody for an aliyah (honor at the Torah) as a gabbai and they give you two male names or female names for their parents, just roll with it. Don't assume that they messed up or try to change what they said. The giving of names for an aliyah is a period of vulnerability for somebody as they release information about themselves (e.g. converts, children of clergy) and accepting their name and information without judgment will help them to feel more comfortable.

If you are showing Israeli films as a program, try to show "Yossi and Jagger," a film about two gay men in the Israeli army. Not only does this increase programmatic value because you can co-sponsor the event with the general GLBT community on campus, but you send a strong message to the GLBT members of your Jewish community that you want them to feel welcome. People feel more welcome when they see their concerns and identity reflected in programming.

Another way to make the homosexual, bisexual and transgender members of your religious community feel welcome is to go out of your way to ensure that they are given, or at least offered, roles in events, particularly services. This also applies to leadership positions in the community. Nobody wants to feel invisible, and when you have a population which is already at risk of feeling marginalized, extra steps are necessary.

Finally, if you have transgender members of your community, respect the pronouns that you are asked to use, no matter how difficult or contrary to what you might automatically assume. My roommate is transgender, and that is what concerns him most about new situations - that people will "she" him, will not respect his pronouns. If you mess up, apologize and make a sincere effort to not do so again, and if other people mess up, find a tactful way of correcting them. This is probably the biggest step that one can take to make transgender members feel welcome in a community.

My father often says, "There's a difference between 'not trying to' and 'trying not to'." As we think about our communities for next year, we must remember to not only not push members of our community away, but also to proactively make sure all members of our community feel welcome, just as Abraham did.

David Schwartz is a graduating graduate student in Education at Washington University in St. Louis.  He is from Chattanooga, TN and will be teaching middle school next year.

[Posted 5/23/09]